4: A Look at Love

If you have learned anything about me through these posts, then you might realize that I am not so much a middle-of-the-road type of person as I am a seeking-understanding type of guy. I have no problem making a choice when it comes down to it all, but before I make that choice, I really enjoy that slight conflict that presents itself just before making a decision.

I call it a slight conflict due to the contrast in opposing thoughts. I am aware that most people simply make a choice and go about their day, but to me, it is how you make that choice that is the interesting part. I think it reveals a lot more about a person.

When I was younger my best friend and I considered ourselves some sort of deep thinkers who liked to ask other people what they thought about a simple statement or question. We called this Taking a Survey.

I am still not sure if we were just that eager to learn what other people thought or like people watching, it was just another way to pass the time when we had nothing else to do. I do know that this hobby of ours did contribute to who we are today.

One of the most frequent topics that my friend and I would ask people about had to do with love. These questions would always lead to conversations that never had the time to come to any true conclusion.

Now, if my friend happens to read this, he knows what aspect of this topic I will eventually get to, and if his thoughts on that particular view have not changed, then he is already frowning right now. (Cheer up man, we will see how it all plays out.)

NOTE: I more than likely will be jumping between the objective and subjective points of love simply because I think it deserves to be looked at in all its glory. I am going to cover as many aspects of love as I can think of, but forgive me if I do not cover them all.

What is love? (Not the Haddaway song.)

Did you know that the word love is a noun and a verb? I only ask this because when I looked up the definition, love shows up as both. Love is defined as having a deep affection for someone. While this definition sounds accurate, I think it fails to express everything that love represents.

Holy books, poets, music, movies, TV, novels, short stories, articles, blog posts, and gurus can all provide you with examples of love, but they cannot give you the feeling. Sure, whatever you read, see, or hear from those sources can provide you with an idea of what to expect, but those examples are someone else’s interpretation of love that resonates with how an individual perceives love and cannot give you the actual feeling.

So, what is love? Well, here is where I am going to present an objective definition of love. I would say, love is not an emotion in and of itself, it is a combination of emotions that triggers an alternative response.

I use this decidedly more clinical and ultimately broad definition because my list of emotions that I associate with love is not the same as everyone else’s. My list might be close enough that people may agree with it, but the way an individual experiences love is unique to them. This is why the first part of my definition is stated that way.

To explain the other half of my definition. (Love is a combination of emotions that triggers an alternative response.) This latter half refers to a variable that I am not sure most people realize is happening. This has nothing to do with intelligence but has more to do with the streamlined nature in which the response is made.

First, I am going to ask you to be honest with yourself when it comes to the way you look at your loved ones and the way you look at people you do not love. Now, I am going to be vague; this is because the more details involved in the explanation will tilt the reaction on one way or another.

Okay, when you see something happen to a person you do not love our reactions usually fall within this list and their associated synonyms: surprise, amusement, interest, concern, anger, and even dismissive. All of it depends on the situation. These feelings last for a time and the memory may stick with you forever, but they ultimately turn into something distant. The event is in your mind but is not at the core of your concerns.

If that same thing happens to someone you love those same emotions will occur, but now the situation is personal. It falls directly within your core of concerns. Your thought processes make connections and associations in an instant, and the reactions fall into two categories. How does this affect them, and how does this affect me?

The people that you love are connected to you in a way that makes the experience different. In your mind, the level of your emotional reaction is drastically different and engages the variable that is the alternative response.

I know that this hypothetical highly vague example has flaws to it, but is that not how people are, filled with flaws? I am not here to judge a person’s reaction to someone that they love. I think realistically both of the categories I mentioned are answered in a way that sometimes we cannot tell the difference without truly examining our own motivations towards someone we love, and that can be a difficult thing to do.

NOTE: If you are one of those people who loves everyone; it all still applies to you. Loving someone leaves you vulnerable to that person, and that is not a bad thing in and of itself. People who truly love everyone possess a strength and endurance that I know I do not have.

Now that I have explained my definition of love, feel free to pick it apart. (Love is a combination of emotions that triggers an alternative response.) That is the third and last time I will write it here, and it will not bother me if you choose to completely destroy it or take it entirely out of proportion, simply because this is only my perspective, and you have every right to see things differently.

Who do you love (No, not the song.)

It is far too easy to start making a list of the people you love without taking into consideration the reasons why you placed your love on those people. From my point of view, it is just as important to honestly look at why you love them.

I do not think it is wrong to say that the way the majority of people love one another is not unconditional. Everyone has a limit to what their love can endure. I think that this limit is in direct proportion to the effort that you put into loving someone.

The idea that love will conquer all is kind of a misnomer when you do not take into consideration that the love you have for someone takes effort and consideration for it to grow into something that will conquer all.

Most people sum up their inattentiveness to love under the reliable excuse of growing apart. (I can say that because I will admit to using that excuse in the past.) Regardless of the circumstances, love is partly a living thing. The reasons behind why you love someone might never change, but that love must be maintained for it to become what you expect it to be.

The reason why you love someone really does not have to make sense to anyone else but you and I am sure if other people heard it, they would have some sort of problem with it. For example, if the reason for loving a family member parent, sibling, cousin, and so on is that you are related to them then fine. Some might say that is not a good enough reason, but your reasons are your own and who you love has all to do with you.

WARNING: A slight tangent

If you have the urge to go down a rabbit hole, you can perform an internet search on love. You will find scientific studies and a plethora of philosophies on love. For the sake of simplicity, I just divide the people I love into two main categories plutonic and romantic.

I am of the mind that the only difference between platonic and romantic love is the method people apply to them. With plutonic love, the effort in building the love involved feels relatively natural. People who fall into this category are the ones who you deem to have intrinsic value. It does not matter if they are related to you or not. It does not matter if people in this category have something to do with supporting you or not; their impact on your life has to do with things that are not tangible and have everything to do with why you love them.

My personal example of plutonic love is the friend I mentioned at the beginning of this post. I have known them since I was thirteen years old. We have kept in contact throughout the years, and every time we talk it is like the time in between those conversations never existed. We do not always agree and have been known to have drawn-out arguments, but this person is one of those people who has always kept me at the top of my intellectual game so to speak, and I love them for that.

Now, my example of plutonic love might not even fit your own example. In that one paragraph, I just summed up well over twenty years of history. The value someone places in someone they platonically love is different from what anyone else experiences, and what it boils down to is that platonic love expresses itself in as many ways as there are people.

The same is true when it comes to romantic love. The only difference has to do with the level of attraction that provokes a different method of approach to this category of love. Yes, I am aware that one little sentence might not do it for you, but I ask that you stop and think about it for a moment.

Take a look at a person you love platonically, and now think of your romantic love. Love no matter the reasons behind it exists for both of these people within you; the major difference is that only one of those two people is the one you are willing to make whoopee with.

This is in addition to the fact that the way people approach romantic love has an intent that naturally comes with predefined expectations. I am not going to list or argue what these expectations are. This is just acknowledging that everyone has them, and if you are not aware of them, it is my opinion that you sincerely learn what they are; just note that they can change and mature over time.

The main idea behind these predefined expectations is that there is some sort of method that has to be implemented on a regular basis in order for romantic love to fully become what we wish of it. This makes the approach more active and engaging to a certain extent.

Romantic love can be extremely complicated, especially in the early parts when you are interested in that person and are truly trying to get to know them. Everyone has different and part of honestly establishing that connection has to do with how the romance is intended and how it is recived.

Romantic love is a topic that has so many aspects and interpretations to it that I think that you should stick to your own point of view on it, and at the same time be open to your romantic love’s ideas on the topic as well. After all, the whole point is to create a romantic love that will last.

Love is Love (Almost out of the tangent.)

The most interesting thing to note about platonic love and romantic love is that they are dynamic in nature. One can turn into the other and vice versa. The details as to how this occurs are different for each person. The best example I can give is when you love someone and that spark or chemistry (the level of attraction) dwindles or is suddenly introduced to the equation of love.

I use the term level of attraction because that is honestly what it is. There are many different forms of attraction and that topic along with the topic of relationships could give birth to several posts, but when I refer to attraction, I am referring to more than how someone looks. After all, Margaret Wolfe Hungerford coined the term, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”

Back on Topic

So, who do you love? That answer is simple, anyone you want to, and probably some people you should not. Love is a contributing verbal in the equation of our psyche that never expresses itself as zero. You will love whomever you love. This may be good, bad, or anything in-between for you, and most of the time it depends on if the ones you love reciprocate how you feel about them.

There are times that you cannot help but love someone even if they do not love you in return. This can happen in platonic as well as romantic love, and in both cases, it can be a hurtful experience if you do not keep in mind that the person you love has the right to share their love with whomever they decide to. If that person just happens not to be you; the only thing you can do is accept it.

NOTE: I am going to take what I have just written and apply it to that ongoing disagreement I have had with my friend. Keep in mind that if you disagree with everything to this point then the rest of this is not going to be relevant to you.

Can you be in love (romantic love) with more than one person at the same time? My answer is yes you can, and this is why. Keep in mind that I am not arguing the morality or ethics involved. It is acceptable that someone can love more than one person platonically, and the reasons behind you loving those people are mostly different. So, why should it be imposable to have more than one romantic love?

The morality and or ethical aspects only become an issue when you start to take into consideration the people who return that one person’s romantic love. At that point it becomes a disruption between three or more people who would have to come to some sort of understanding in order for things to work.

FYI: Personally, as far as I know, I am only capable of having one romantic love in my life at a time. I would like to hear from someone who is honestly in at least two relationships that fall into the romantic love category. I have questions with no judgment attached, to them.

How do you love (I think I left the song titles behind, but I am not sure.)

My immediate response to the question how do you love is to do so with your mind, body, and soul; in that order and with the strength of the Titan Atlis who was commanded to hold up the heavens, but that is the romantic in me.

When you love someone, I hope you do it with an open mind, and a discriminant heart. I say this because while these two mindsets on the surface appear to be a contradiction, they are the simplest way to represent the fathomless thought processes that your mind produces.

An open mind allows you to recognize a person for who they really are without judgment getting in the way. At the same time, a discriminant heart allows you to truly decide if that person is worthy of the love you place with them.

I am a writer, I take thoughts, concepts, and ideas and arrange them into something that is hopefully understandable. I do not claim to be an expert on any particular topic, but how you love someone is just as or more important than the reason why you love them in the first place.

If you love someone, you are allowing that person to influence your emotions as well as how you perceive things. This means that they have a certain amount of control over you, and if they love you in return, the same applies to them in regards to you.

This level of control is not a negative thing even if it can potentially harm you at times. No relationship when it comes to love is perfect, and at the same time, if you find yourself in a situation that causes you to feel emotional pain more than anything else, it does not matter if that love is plutonic or romantic, you should honestly decide if that love is what you truly need in your life.

You should also want to be aware of how you treat the ones who love you. It does not matter if you reciprocate their love or not; love and everything that accompanies it should not be taken advantage of or taken for granted. A person’s love at the very least should be respected no matter how you feel about them. To do anything less is a form of abuse.

In Closing

Let me just start this section off by saying that I am not any authority when it comes to love. I am just a guy who is writing from his perspective. To you, I might sound like I am full of myself, making broad statements that are overly obvious, or what I wrote might have struck a cord with you. Everyone has a right to their own opinion.

To me, love is the most valuable thing I have to offer. I may not be capable of loving everyone, but when I love, I do so openly and honestly. My gestures of love might not be the most extravagant or profound, but they are sincerely given. I respect the choices of those I love even when their choice does not consider me.

Love is a complicated thing that invokes strong emotions in all of us, but those emotions should be tempered by the fact that love must be honestly built upon for it to endure anything that comes its way.

I like to compare love to a particular type of light that we all spread, find the one that truly complements yours so that you both can shine all the brighter. Just remember, if you ever find yourself in the dark and the light you are seeking is nowhere in sight; know that you are not alone. In that darkness, you will find me as well as countless others. There is no path that you can tread upon that you cannot let the light within you illuminate, and while you are on your journey, be as open and honest to those who come your way. Until next time, I am Nolan Ex Tenebris.