5: A Sojurn in the Light

Do you remember ever being alone in the dark when you were a kid? Do you remember that inexplicable fear that had you convinced that something was about to reach out and grab you, or were you the type of child who deleted in the wonder of what your imagination brought to life? Now, ask yourself why that is not the case anymore.

I can still remember sitting in the dark with both real and imaginary fears keeping me up at night. I also remember the dark being a fairly magical place where the possibilities of what I could come up with appeared to be an endless cascade of marvels.

I believe that my childlike imagination still exists, but nowadays it is more focused and I call it creativity. As to the fears I had as a child, all but two of them have completely vanished or have been explained away just by the process of growing up.

I cannot speak for everyone’s journey to adulthood, I can only make reference to my own with any true certainty, but there is one concept that I think binds us all together regardless of age, race, religion, or creed and that concept is darkness.

Darkness is the proverbial advocacy of every conflict. It is the mystery that has been around since the dawn of time; a place where you can find hope as well as despair; a looming intangible fear that sends chills down your spine, and a fortress from where the imagination can reign supreme.

What is Darkness?

A quick internet search defines darkness as the partial or total absence of light. While this definition is true, it does not take into consideration the different ways the word is used; especially when it is used in its base form dark.

The fact is that 95% of the universe is darkness. Only 5% of the universe is made up of stars, plants, and the recognizable matter that we know about. From this, it should not be difficult to accept the statement that darkness is the natural state of the universe.

I know that may seem counter-intuitive when it comes to how we proactive the world around us. After all, the majority of people use light for nearly everything under the sun and do not appreciate its true value.

Bad jokes aside, darkness is heavily used metaphorically, and that is why I would have to say that darkness is a universal representation of not knowing. I am aware that this point of view can be debated, but I have no problem with being proved wrong.

My Life in the Light

If darkness is the absence of light, then light should be what fills the void. The only problem I have with this is that light no matter how bright always casts shadows. The thing is that light regardless of the metaphor involved acts just like actual light; when it comes in contact with different materials it reacts differently. Light can be reflected, refracted, filtered, absorbed, bent, and change speed.

I mention all of that because light, regardless of how we use the word, can change and when these changes happen the way things are perceived by that altered light is different than the original source. When this happens to an individual the term painting or casting someone in a different light is used.

Yes, the framework for manipulation is in there, but it also contains a framework for countering manipulation as well. Being aware of what is going on around you is paramount to how you live your life. Understanding is not only knowing your truth but acknowledging that other people see things differently even if they are on your side or not.

I say that because all of those shadows that are formed by the different lights in the world honestly interest me. Within these shadows, I find things that are hidden from view or at the very least misunderstood, and that is where that childhood experience of being alone in the dark comes back into play.

Nowadays, that initial fear has transformed itself into the question of how to find what is actually in that seemingly dark place, and my imagination immediately starts to come up with possible answers. This reaction to what is unknown to me fuels that motivation to learn something new or different. I learn what I can, ask questions when possible, and I keep a sense of objectivity as I try to understand what I am learning from different points of view.

I could think of myself as some sort of adventurer who endures the realm of the unknown so that I can light the path for others to follow, but I do not think that I am that arrogant or delusional. It is my curiosity-fueled choice that urges me to wander where the light does not, and I do enjoy it.

I step into those places where other people around me refuse to walk because it gives me a sense of clarity. That statement is meant to be taken both literally and figuratively. I am naturally attracted to people, places, and things that shine, but at the same time, overexposure to those lights causes my vision to decrease in breadth and scope.

I have written about this in a previous blog (The Way My Eyes See the World, Part 1), and the same thing applies metaphorically. For me, being around all the light of people, places, and things that have been established or are well-known is more like a vacation spot for me. This is where I can decompress and let things go.

The only problem with this is that while I am basking in these comforting rays, I start to experience a fuzz-numbing sensation that starts to dull my mind as if I had been drinking all night. I will admit that this does play into one of the two fears I still carry to this day, and they are in part the reason why I am the way I am.

When I was a child, I had a relative who had Alzheimer's. At that time in my life, I just knew the name and had a summed-up explanation given to me. I am not sure if anyone noticed at the time that the combination of this explanation and my own child observations created something that truly frightened me.

My fear at that age inspired me to come up with a plan that revolved around my understanding of the disease at the time. Just know that all of this was in the early 90s before nearly everyone had dial-up internet.

The way that I understood it is that Alzheimer’s makes you forget things, like memories and thoughts starting with the newer ones and slowly making its way to the older ones. So, I decided that I would learn as much as I could, and make as many memories as possible; eventually giving the disease so much information that it would take a long time for it to get to the core of who I was.

Yes, I have learned since then the reality behind Alzheimer’s, but by that time I was deeply in the habit of learning and experiencing new things to keep my mind active so much so that the act of not keeping my brain stimulated with atleast information just felt wrong.

While I am fully capable of relaxing and enjoying myself the overwhelming sensation of not being at my best is what drives me to look for the things that are at times hidden from other people’s light. This usually presents itself in the form of me researching, thinking, or reading a book.

Darkness Calls

To me, the world around us is filled with so many things each having its own value. I am drawn to the things that most people overlook or ignore because I seek an understanding as to why it is overlooked or ignored.

I will say that things like conspiracy theories and secret organizations are a resource that I occasionally use in my fiction when it comes to examples that inspire me to look beyond conventional plots. As far as everything else is concerned, I see no limits as to how that information can benefit those who learn it.

I learn things that are off the beaten path for most people, but they are not a universal mystery; those types of things are what I use as a pillar or mechanism to create my fiction. What I have found is that all too often people are blinded by the light that they have chosen to bask in, and more often than not focus only on what that particular light shows them.

I am not condemning anyone’s point of view; I am just highlighting the fact that everyone does have a limit as to what they consider worthy to know about, and anything outside of that starts to fade into a twilight state and then into darkness. In my mind there is nothing wrong with that, it is just not the way I like to deal with things.

My widely roaming curiosity does portray me as somewhat of an outsider when it comes to anything considered social, but this does not bother me. I see nothing wrong with being that person on the outside looking in. Often enough I am acknowledged as being there and at times included in whatever the occasion may be.

While in those situations, I will admit to feeling the isolation of not truly belonging, but if I did not feel this way at times, I would not honestly appreciate all there is to learn in the world. Miyamoto Musashi in The Book of Five Rings wrote, “From one thing, know ten thousand things.” This quote embodies the idea of an infinitely growing web of knowledge and understanding that appeals to me.

This is because a single idea, profession, topic, item, or belief is fundamentally connected even if the only way you can proactive this connection is by admitting that everything on this list in addition to what is not on it comes from the same location in the universe, Earth. This way of looking at things helps me better understand the who, what, and why of whatever I am looking into.

Darkness is something that calls to me, but there are no ominous voices urging me to seek them out. I am just a guy who wants to face what is unknown to me in my own way. When I am in the dark, I feel more alive. When I step into the unknown, I get a feeling of limitlessness is just before I start to find something in those dark places. My mind never appears to slow down or get tired when I venture off to parts seldom known, but there is another reason why and it has to do with that second fear that I have not mentioned yet.

So, here goes. I fear the disconnection that darkness can bring to my life. Take that sentence however you like. It could be the darkness at the end, the beginning, the absence of thought, inspiration, sight, or ideas. Each of those has its own unique aspects that frighten me, but I have chosen to confront that fear each day so that I can embrace my imagination, learn what is out there, and hopefully generate my own light for those who wish to see it.

If you like, go ahead and psychoanalyze me, it will not bother me in the slightest. That is because I am at peace with myself, I know I have my flaws, but I also seek to better myself daily. The only thing that bothers me is those things in life that you metaphorically cannot see.

And this is why. What someone cannot metaphorically see makes it hard for them to understand, and what you do not understand can easily be turned into apprehension, perdures, fear, and anger. Being fully aware that I have experienced each of these things in my life, I can honestly say that they are not conducive to living your life.

Darkness is a metaphor for a lot of things, but to me, it is a place as well as a state of mind that provides space to simply be. It is a path I travel in order to understand the multifaceted aspects of life, and it is where a certain desire for belonging takes me. If you are like me, then you should know that you are not truly alone in the void. If you find me out here, just say my name, and let’s see what happens when people with a similar mindset start to explore. Until next time, I am Nolan Ex Tenebris.